I've decided to put this on the web, not because I want sympathy, help, or even support. I'm doing this for me because while this is on the web, there is the possibility of other people reading it, and that holds me accountable. There, now that that's out of the way, let us begin in earnest.
It is January 1st 2009 and I am at a pretty low point in my life. I can't say it's the lowest point. I have a lot of things to be thankful for, but there are still way too many parts of my life I want changed. I weigh more now than I ever have. And this is now the 9th year (before I turned 18 doesn't count) that I not only didn't have someone to kiss on New Years, but haven't dated anyone at all. I'm going to be 27 in June and with the universe as my witness, I demand this year will be the turning point in my life.
I've got a lot of changes planned. I've been working for the last month at losing weight. It's going well enough, but after a major lapse at Christmas and New Years, I've decided that today is the new Day 1. This means that I now have 22 weeks until my Birthday and my first goal date. The goal is to get down to 200lbs by June 4th. This means 45.8lbs will be shed in 22 weeks. Once I reach that goal, a new goal will be set to reach 150lbs by Dec 31st, giving me 30 weeks to shed the remaining 50lbs.
Along with my weight loss, comes a myriad of other changes. I chopped off my long hair before the end of last year, so that was one major change down. Soon, my goals to transform my body will begin by changing both my hair and eye colors. I've begun changing my wardrobe, having thrown out almost all of my older, less attractive clothes (keeping a few notable exceptions as exercise wear).
My body isn't the only thing getting an overhaul. My personality is also getting altered. Though there are aspects of who I am that I enjoy, there are many I do not. I will be systematically taking steps to remove the self-indulgent, pining about how my life was before my accident, stop living in the past, and become less dark in my personality. Though the darkness was a friend to me growing up, it isn't who I want to be anymore.
Now, you might be asking yourself, what is prompting this, Pete? Or as my friend so aptly asked me last night, "What, Pete? Don't you like yourself?"
Of course I lied saying that I did, but that I just wanted to change, and that seemed enough for her but it wasn't the truth. The truth is, I don't like myself. I never had. Up to this point, what people saw was a carefully crafted facade. Even after coming to Texas, and having the chance to "Start Over" I'd been so used to the fake me, that many of the same old lines, same acts began to take shape again. And before I knew it, I was back deep within the walls of my gilded shell that I used to protect the real me from the world.
I came off as warm and welcoming, though a bit dark and rough around the edges. Always laughing and quick to use self-depreciating humor to make people think I was comfortable in my own skin, each jibe I took at myself was like a knife planted squarely into my own back. The tough, silly, angry, gay NYer. That's how people at work see me. Yet none of those epithets really fit. Ok, the last one does, but the rest don't.
I'm tired of not living my life as Me and I'm tired of not living on my own terms. Well I'm going to be changing that. I'm going to be changing all of that. It starts here and it starts now.
Day 1 - I ate poorly today, but I was able to go an entire hour on the treadmill, level 15 incline at 2.4 mph so overall I'm not disappointed. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Starting Measurements
1/1/2009 Current Goal Difference to Goal
Weight 255.8lbs 200lbs 55.8lbs
Upperbody 50" 46" 4"
Chest 45" 42" 3"
Upper Arms 16.25" 15" 1.25"
Forearms 12.25" 11" 1.25"
Upper Stomach 41" 36" 5"
Navel Line 48" 36" 12"
Waist 43.5" 34" 9.5"
Hips 50" 38" 12"
Thighs 30" 26" 4"
Calves 19" 17" 2"
BMI 43.9 34.3 9.6
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